Damsels in Distress Read online

  Kelly Hello.

  Leo (affably) I was becoming a trifle afraid your doorbell wasn’t working.

  Kelly No.

  Leo It isn’t working?

  Kelly Yes.

  Leo Ah. Splendid.

  They stand.

  May I come in?

  Kelly Yes.

  She steps well aside to admit Leo, who enters the room quite cautiously. Kelly closes the front door behind him and watches him apprehensively, ready to take flight at the slightest hint of danger.

  Leo I’m Leo.

  Kelly Yes.

  Leo And you’ll be – Mandy? I take it?

  Kelly No.

  Leo No? Ah. Then, what’s your name?

  Kelly Kelly.

  Leo Kelly? That’s nice.

  Kelly No.

  Leo It’s not nice?

  Kelly It’s not Kelly.

  Leo You’re not Kelly?

  Kelly No.

  A pause.

  Leo Who are you, then?

  Kelly I’m the maid.

  Leo The maid?

  Kelly Yes.

  Leo Ah. (Slight pause.) Then who’s Kelly?

  Kelly I don’t know.

  Leo Ah.

  Kelly I’ve never heard of her.

  Leo Oh.

  Pause.

  What’s your name, then?

  Kelly’s brain appears to have frozen. She cannot remember the name Sorrel has given her.

  Kelly (at length) Kylie.

  Leo Oh, that’s nice.

  Pause.

  You’re sure about that?

  Pause.

  Mandy is here, I take it?

  Kelly Yes.

  Leo Oh, I see. Been a busy day, has it?

  Kelly No.

  Pause.

  Leo (remembering he is holding the flowers) These are for her, by the way. Just a small token.

  Kelly Yes.

  Leo Would you like to take them? Do something with them? (He holds out the flowers.)

  Kelly (shrinking back) I’m the maid.

  Leo Yes. So you said.

  Pause.

  I thought you might care to put them in water. The flowers.

  Kelly Yes. (She takes the flowers and stands uncertainly.)

  Sorrel (off, calling) Karen!

  Kelly stands frozen.

  Karen!

  Kelly doesn’t move.

  Leo Someone appears to be wanting Karen.

  Kelly Yes.

  Sorrel (off, calling) Karen! Could you come here a second, please?

  Leo Who’s that wanting Karen?

  Kelly Sorrel.

  Leo Sorrel? Oh, there’s quite a number of you, isn’t there? I didn’t realise. There’s a Sorrel as well?

  Kelly No.

  Leo Ah.

  Sorrel (off, calling) Karen!

  Leo Who’s Karen?

  Kelly Me.

  Leo You’re Karen?

  Kelly Yes.

  Leo I thought you were Kylie?

  Kelly No.

  Leo Then who’s Kylie?

  Kelly I don’t know.

  A pause.

  Excuse me.

  She totters off abruptly into the bedroom. Leo looks puzzled. He wanders to the coffee table and picks up one of the magazines. He opens one briefly and tuts disapprovingly. He replaces it and goes to the window. The sound of voices from the bedroom.

  Sorrel (off, irritably) Well, offer him something to drink. For God’s sake, you can do that, surely, Kelly?

  Leo Kelly? Kelly’s back, then.

  Kelly returns. She is still holding the flowers.

  Leo Ah! Listen, I was wondering if it would be more convenient if I saw one of the other girls? I mean, if Mandy’s busy perhaps I should see someone else?

  Kelly Someone else?

  Leo I mean Kylie or Sorrel or even Kelly.

  Kelly looks at him appalled and goes off again to the bedroom. Leo looks at his watch and shakes his head.

  Sorrel (off, angrily) I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming! Get back in there!

  Leo Oh.

  Kelly comes back, still holding the flowers.

  Kelly (faintly hysterical)) Would you like a drink?

  Leo Well, I wouldn’t say no to a cup of tea.

  Kelly Cup of tea? (This appears to agitate her.)

  Leo If I may. Is that a problem? Does that present a problem?

  Kelly No.

  She goes into the kitchen and tries to put the kettle on single-handed. Her other hand is still occupied with holding the flowers. Leo wanders in after her.

  Leo Can I help at all?

  Kelly (startled) No.

  Leo I’ll tell you what, why don’t I put those in water for you whilst you’re doing that?

  Kelly abruptly puts down the flowers and fills the kettle. During the next she puts a tea bag in a mug and waits for the water to boil, all the while keeping a wary eye on Leo.

  Now, then. Vase? Vase? Vase? Where do we keep those, I wonder? Any idea where there might be a vase? No? Mind if I have a look?

  Leo looks in a cupboard or two. Sorrel meanwhile comes out of the bedroom. She now has on the full rig and has done herself up like something from The Rocky Horror Show. She makes a slinking entrance entirely for Leo’s benefit. He, unfortunately, is not there to appreciate it.

  Sorrel Hi! I’m Mandy. You must be … Oh. (She looks round the sitting room.)

  Leo (going through another cupboard) There must be one here somewhere, mustn’t there?

  Sorrel, slightly mystified, goes into the dining area. She sees Leo scrabbling about under the sink on his hands and knees.

  Sorrel Hi! I’m Mandy. You must be … What’s going on?

  Kelly This is Mandy.

  Leo Hello, Mandy. Be with you in a second, I’m just trying to locate a vase.

  Sorrel (rather off-put, to Kelly) What are you doing with him?

  Kelly He’s trying to find a vase.

  Leo (emerging with a container) I think this might do the trick for now. I don’t – (seeing Sorrel) Oh, hello, you must be Mandy. I’m Leo.

  Sorrel Hello, Leo.

  Leo I must say that’s a very jolly get-up.

  Sorrel What?

  Leo Very festive, for some reason. I don’t know why but they always remind me of Christmas, those garments …

  Sorrel Do they now?

  Leo I think it’s probably something to do with the panto season. I shudder to think what pantomimes I got taken to as a child but those always tend to remind me of them.

  Sorrel Great.

  Kelly I think you look fantastic.

  Leo Oh, she does. Absolute stunner. Absolutely. Is this my tea, thank you very much, Karen. No one else having any? No? Do you mind if I sit down for a moment? Unless anyone’s in a desperate hurry.

  Sorrel Time is money, darling.

  Leo Oh, I’m happy to pay, Mandy. I’m more than happy to pay. But I think it would be fair to point out that the clock has only just started running, hasn’t it? I mean, delightful as – er, Karen’s company has been.

  Sorrel Well, it’s running now.

  Leo Absolutely.

  They settle in the sitting room. Sorrel chooses the sofa, Leo the armchair. Kelly sits as far apart as possible.

  Now, I don’t want you to think I do this sort of thing regularly, Mandy. I don’t. Not at all. I took a good deep breath before replying to your internet advertisement, I don’t mind saying. But in the end, I liked its simplicity, the fact that, unlike some, it didn’t try to titivate in a cheap and nasty manner. It was simple and uncluttered, well phrased and most important, if I may say so, in a world where increasingly such things are forgotten or badly taught, extremely well punctuated. I mean, I’m sorry, but I find it impossible to take an advertisement seriously when it is littered with split infinitives and dotted with intrusive apostrophes.

  Sorrel Well, I’m glad the grammar impressed you.

  Leo It did, Mandy, indeed it did. I mean, just because you pursue this line of wor
k doesn’t mean that necessarily you have to be semi-literate, does it? That’s my stance on that. Anyway, enough of my hobby horses. All I’m saying is, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me, Mandy. True, I am a widower and, alas, have no significant or long-term relationship at present filling my life. But I am hopeful that all that might, just might, change before long. I can’t say any more on that topic as it could compromise a very dear lady friend who does not want the matter circulated just at present. Nonetheless, perhaps I should tell you a little about myself, just to reassure you that my intentions if not perhaps strictly honourable are at the very least harmless. (He laughs.)

  Sorrel looks at her watch pointedly but Leo is well away now, apparently oblivious to everything.

  So, very very briefly. My dear late wife, Marjorie, has been departed from us, let’s see, just over five years and two months. She was a remarkable and unique woman, Marjorie, and we were an astonishingly closely knit couple. In fact, I think many people envied us in a lot of ways. Our unity, our contentment, the obvious simple pleasure we took, year in year out, sharing the company of each other. Marriage, you know, is an odd thing, Mandy. I don’t know if you’ve ever been married but people these days often condemn it out of hand, they criticise it, or they treat it with a casualness that takes my breath away sometimes but in the end – in my humble view – if two people are prepared thoroughly to commit to it – to cast aside personal selfishness, self-interest and personal ambition, are willing to love and support each other throughout the vicissitudes and setbacks of modern life, through rough and smooth, thick or thin, sunny or cloudy, uphill or down – it can still be made to work.

  Sorrel is now signalling to Kelly, who is behind Leo, to bring the box of contraceptives. It’s quite an elaborate mime but Leo still doesn’t appear to notice.

  I suppose we were lucky, Marjorie and I. It’s quite a fascinating story, actually. We ran this small dry-cleaning business together, you know, which meant we were constantly in each other’s pockets, morning, noon and night, all day and every day. But, this is the interesting thing, we never had a moment in which to get bored. That’s the secret. We were constantly on the go, always facing up to new challenges. I think therein lies the key. It’s very, very interesting this, I inherited the business from my father who in turn had run it in company with my mother for nearly twenty years. That’s a piece of history for you, isn’t it? How many generations of dry cleaners can claim that? I tend to think very few indeed. So, I suppose you could say that the –

  Kelly has arrived at Leo’s elbow with the open box of condoms, which she gently pushes into his field of vision.

  (without really looking) – no, thank you, Karen, I don’t want to spoil my supper, just the tea – so I suppose you could, if you like, say the example was there for me to follow.

  Kelly retreats, baffled. She shrugs to Sorrel. Sorrel now tries another tactic, going through an increasingly elaborate physical display on the sofa, in the vain hope of luring Leo into her bed. Leo seems barely to notice this, much to her increasing frustration.

  Marjorie’s mother, Ethel, quite apart from being a close personal friend of my mother’s, was a valued customer of ours and so it was inevitable, I suppose, that her daughter Marjorie and I would take up with each other. And naturally, as we both grew up, because we lived over the business as we did do for many years – that’s another fascinating story, I’ll tell you that in a minute – as we lived over the business and Marjorie’s parents lived just round the corner, it was perfectly natural that we’d get called in to help out at busy times. Saturday mornings we’d sometimes find ourselves sponging and pressing, even operating some of the machines, but always, of course, under strict supervision. I mean, it was our life, that business. And after I lost Marjorie – following a mercifully short illness – I did consider continuing it. But two years ago my own health took a little turn for the worse – I won’t go into that – all under control now – I was urged to sell up and retire. Which I did with some regrets. Unfortunately we were not blessed with children to carry it on so this has, if you like, been the end of an era. In fact, a dynasty, really. But I’ll tell you this and this will amaze you, this will. If ever I go back, even today, into a dry cleaner’s – it doesn’t matter whose, it doesn’t matter where – the moment my nostrils get the whiff of those chemicals – Marjorie’s face comes swimming up in front of my eyes. Literally.

  Sorrel owing to her constricted ribcage is now lying panting on the sofa, exhausted by her abortive sexual display.

  You alright there, Mandy, you seem a trifle uncomfortable? Bit fidgety. If you don’t mind my saying, I think you may be wearing that a little bit too tight.

  Sorrel Really?

  Leo You know something really interesting? We always refused to clean those basques. They never dry clean well, in my experience. It’s all the boning in them. Mind you, we did have some extraordinary items pass through our hands in our time. People didn’t seem to care. Marjorie used to say, now on what part of her body do you think she wears this? (He laughs.)

  Sorrel gets up, her patience exhausted.

  Sorrel I think we need to go in the bedroom now, Leo. I don’t think I can contain myself a moment longer.

  She grabs his hand and pulls him to his feet.

  Leo I haven’t quite finished my tea.

  Sorrel Never mind! This way.

  Sorrel starts to drag Leo towards the bedroom.

  Leo Well, this is nice. I like a girl with enthusiasm.

  Kelly has grabbed a random fistful of condoms, which she presses into Leo’s hand.

  Kelly Here you are.

  Leo Goodness! In for a long session, are we? I’ll try and oblige.

  Sorrel (pulling him) This way.

  Kelly (pushing him) Off you go!

  Leo (as he is borne off) Now go easy, girls. Remember I’m not as young as I was.

  They go off but Kelly rapidly returns and starts to tidy up. She clears the rest of the contraceptives and takes Leo’s mug to wash in the sink. Sorrel returns from the bedroom.

  Sorrel Karen …

  Kelly Have you finished already?

  Sorrel Of course not. He’s just getting his clothes off. He wears sock suspenders and a support belt …

  Kelly (in revulsion) Uurrr!

  Sorrel I hope he’ll be alright. I thought we’d never get him in there. Listen. I think he’s safe but you can never tell. Keep an ear out. If I call for help you be in there straightaway with a blunt instrument, alright?

  Kelly A blunt instrument?

  Sorrel Anything. Just to distract him. It’ll only be in an emergency. (She shivers.)

  Kelly How do you feel?

  Sorrel A little bit sick, actually.

  Kelly That’ll be nerves.

  Sorrel I don’t know what it is. I just feel dreadfully sick all of a sudden. I shouldn’t have had that cheeseburger. (A spasm of nausea overcomes her for a moment.) Oh God!

  Kelly Well, try not to be sick over him or he might refuse to pay.

  Sorrel At least we can get everything dry-cleaned cheaply. (another spasm) Oh God!

  Leo (off, calling playfully) Hello–o! Ready when you are, Mandy!

  Sorrel gives a little nervous squeak of apprehension.

  Kelly (grasping Sorrel’s hands briefly) Good luck!

  Sorrel Yes.

  Sorrel goes into the bedroom. Kelly is very nervous for her friend. She paces about, listening out. In a moment, Sorrel’s sexual noises start up. She is frankly not the greatest faker of orgasms. Her moans and sighs are more reminiscent of Lear than Leander. As the sounds grow increasingly desperate, Kelly becomes more alarmed. She hunts round for a weapon. In the end she selects the temporary vase, removing the flowers to the sink and emptying the water from it. She clutches it like a weapon. Sorrel’s cries become quite passionate. Kelly takes a sudden unilateral decision and, kicking off her shoes, races into the bedroom with the vase.

  Sorrel (off, passionately) Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!

  Leo (off, in pain) Ow!

  Sorrel (off) What are you doing?

  Kelly (off) I came to help you.

  Leo (off) Why’d you do that?

  Sorrel (off) You idiot!

  Kelly (off) Sorry.

  Leo (off) What’d she do that for?

  Sorrel (off) Sorry, Leo. Excuse us a minute, will you?

  Leo (off) I need to lie down now.

  Sorrel (off) I’ll be back in a minute.

  Sorrel enters with Kelly, Sorrel pulling on her bathrobe.

  (fiercely) You stupid idiot.

  Kelly (upset) I didn’t know, did I?

  Sorrel You could have killed him.

  Kelly I only hit him on the shoulder.

  Sorrel Yes. It was the shock, though. You could have killed us both, come to that.

  Kelly I thought you were in trouble. You were making those terrible noises …

  Sorrel Those were – sexual noises. That’s all. Can’t you tell the difference?

  Kelly Didn’t sound like it to me. Do you always make that noise?

  Sorrel No. Not usually, not like that – only – with this you’re expected to make some noise, aren’t you?

  Kelly You are? Why?

  Sorrel It makes them feel they’re doing it right, that’s all.

  Kelly Oh.

  Sorrel I’d better get back. Finish off.

  Kelly How are you feeling?

  Sorrel Dreadful. Really dreadful.

  Kelly Can’t you stop?

  Sorrel I can’t stop now. We’re only halfway.

  Kelly (miserably) Oh.

  Sorrel (turning as she goes) Kell.

  Kelly Mmm!

  Sorrel Turn the music up. Then you don’t have to listen.

  Kelly You sure?

  Sorrel I’ll be fine, don’t worry.

  Kelly (gratefully) Thank you.

  She crosses to the CD player and turns up the volume. The easy-listening bland music fills the room. Next door, Sorrel starts up again.