Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1 Read online

  With Rest, Pence, Chest and Chicken;

  It ever was decreed, Sir,

  If Lawyer’s Hand is fee’d, Sir,

  He steals your whole Estate.

  Lights come up on the full rehearsal area. Also on stage now are Dafydd, prowling the auditorium watching Ted. Guy sitting to one side, absorbed and eager to learn. Bridget sitting with the prompt script, slightly bored and restless. And away in another corner Ian, at present reading the evening paper and taking no perceptible interest in proceedings. As the song finishes, Ted consults his script, makes to sit, changes his mind and exits offstage. As he does so Enid, as Mrs Peachum, and Hannah, as Polly, come on, also holding their scripts. Enid is also in evening dress.

  Hannah (reading, as Polly) ’Twas only Nimming Ned. He brought in a Damask Window-Curtain, a Hoop Petticoat, a Pair of Silver Candlesticks, a Perriwig, and one Silk Stocking, from the Fire that happen’d last Night.

  She stops at the end of her speech. Both women look up expecting Ted to reply, but he has gone.

  Dafydd (yelling) Go on, go on, go on. Don’t stop again, for God’s sake. We’re ten days behind as it is.

  Hannah We can’t go on.

  Dafydd Who’s next, Bridget? Keep your eye on the script, girl. Who speaks next?

  Bridget Ted.

  Dafydd Ted? Well, where the hell is Ted? He’s just walked off the stage. Where’s he gone to? (yelling) Ted!

  Ted returns a little apprehensively.

  Ted Did you want me, Dafydd?

  Dafydd Ted, love, there is no earthly point in leaving the stage when you’re in the middle of a scene, now is there?

  Ted (consulting his script) Oh. Don’t I go off? I thought I went off …

  Enid and Hannah go to Ted’s rescue, showing him where he is in the script.

  Hannah … I don’t think you go off till there, Ted …

  Enid … there, dear, you see. Not till there …

  Ted … Oh, I see. There. I thought it was there …

  Dafydd (on the move with impatience, as he passes Guy over this last) Unbelievable this, isn’t it? Unbelievable. Ten days we’ve been at this. Ten days. And where are we –? Page 15 or something …

  Hannah (to Dafydd) We’ve got it now. It was a mistake.

  Ted My mistake. Sorry, everyone. I shouldn’t have gone off …

  Dafydd Well, I’m sure you were only expressing in actions, Ted, what will by this stage be the heartfelt wish of the entire audience …

  Ted (laughing, nervously) Yes, yes …

  Dafydd Those that won’t already have dozed off, or died of old age …

  Hannah (in a warning tone) Dafydd …

  Dafydd Why are you dressed like a cinema manager, anyway, Ted?

  Hannah It’s their dinner dance, Dafydd. They were due there an hour ago. You promised to release them early.

  Dafydd Oh, terrific. My whole rehearsal grinds to a halt because of a Co-op staff dance, does it?

  Ted No hurry, Dafydd. No hurry. We didn’t want the dinner.

  Dafydd All right. Let’s get on. (fiercely) On, on …

  Hannah (picking it up again, as Polly) … one silk stocking, from the Fire that happen’d last Night.

  Ted (as Peachum) This is not a Fellow that is cleverer in his way, and saves more Goods out of the …

  Bridget That’s cut.

  Ted Sorry?

  Enid I think we cut that, dear …

  Dafydd (storming on to the stage) Ted, that is cut. That was cut two days ago …

  Ted I’m sorry. I didn’t have it …

  Dafydd You don’t have anything, Ted. That’s your trouble, man. You don’t have any ability, you don’t have any intelligence, you don’t have one single scrap of artistic sensibility and most important of all you don’t even have a bloody pencil.

  Hannah Dafydd …

  Dafydd (wrenching Ted’s script from his hands) That is cut … (stabbing his finger at the page) That is cut and that is cut. And the whole – (wrestling with the script) – sodding thing is cut. (He rips Ted’s script in several pieces. Breathless) There! That make it any easier for you? You boneheaded – tortoise …

  Ted stands shattered. He opens his mouth to reply and finds himself unable to do so. He leaves the stage rather swiftly, one suspects on the verge of tears.

  Enid Oh, Dafydd … You really are – sometimes. You really are … There was no need for that …

  Enid goes off after Ted.

  Dafydd God, it’s hot in here, isn’t it? Anybody else find it too hot?

  Hannah (in a low voice) That was unforgivable, Dafydd. To Ted of all people. Absolutely unforgivable … (She picks up the torn script, angrily shouting.) And these scripts are supposed to go back. I hope you realize that.

  Hannah goes off after Ted and Enid.

  Dafydd (searching for fresh allies) Dear old Guy. Dear old Guy. You sitting there quietly picking up some tips, are you?

  Guy (smiling) Yes, yes …

  Dafydd I’m afraid this is what we term the amateur syndrome, Guy. When the crunch comes, they can’t take the pressure, you see. Want to be off to their dinner dances. God, there are times when I come close to wishing I was back at Minehead.

  Guy I wondered – if you had a minute – I wondered if I could ask you about Crook-Finger’d Jack …

  Dafydd Who?

  Guy My part. Crook-Finger’d Jack …

  Dafydd Oh, Crook-Finger’d Jack. Yes. What about him?

  Guy It’s just that I’ve been thinking about it over the past few days, you know, and I wondered whether you’d like him with a finger.

  Dafydd A what?

  Guy A finger. (He holds up his hand and demonstrates.) Something like that. (Pause. Offering Dafydd an alternating choice of hands) Which do you think?

  Dafydd (snapping out of his reverie) Yes. Do you think we could leave that for a day or two longer, Guy, old boy? I’ve one or two rather more pressing matters.

  Guy Oh yes, yes. Of course. Sorry.

  Bridget I’m going to make some tea. (She starts to get up slowly.)

  Dafydd Splendid, my love, excellent …

  Rebecca and Fay come on, followed by Linda. All in their coats. Bridget goes off.

  Rebecca Dafydd. We come to you as a deputation. We have been sitting backstage in that ghastly smelly little kitchen for the best part of two weeks …

  Dafydd All right, all right, all right. Don’t you start …

  Rebecca We’re not being unreasonable, Dafydd. All we want to know is, will you be needing us this evening or will you not? If not, fair enough. Only some of us have nice comfy homes we’d prefer to be in …

  Dafydd Go on, go home. Go home to your nice, comfy little homes. Go on, bugger off, the lot of you.

  A glacial moment. Bridget crosses and goes off.

  Rebecca Well, I am certainly not staying after that. Not to listen to language like that.

  Dafydd Goodbye.

  Rebecca And furthermore, I shall be having a word with the Committee about this whole business. Do you realize Mr Washbrook is in tears out there?

  Dafydd So am I …

  Rebecca (to Fay) Are you coming, Fay?

  Fay No point in staying here, is there?

  Rebecca sweeps out. Fay goes to follow.

  (to Ian, indicating Guy) We’re going over the road, all right?

  Ian Right. (He starts to fold up his paper.)

  Fay (seeing Guy is watching her, brightly, to him) You coming for a drink?

  Guy Probably. In a minute.

  Fay Good. See you over there.

  Fay goes out after Rebecca. Linda trails after them. Bridget returns with a pint of milk.

  Dafydd Linda, is your Crispin around anywhere, do you know?

  Linda I don’t know where he is. Why should I know?

  Dafydd Well, have you seen him?

  Linda No, I have not seen him and I have no wish to see him, thank you very much … (at Bridget) I should ask her.

  Dafydd Oh, God. (to Bridget) Do you
know where he is?

  Bridget Where I left him, probably.

  Dafydd Where?

  Bridget In my bed. Asleep.

  Linda glares furiously and goes. Bridget goes out, looking pleased. She passes Ted and Enid, now in their coats, who both cross the stage on their way out. Both are very tearful and snuffling softly. Dafydd watches them.

  Dafydd (rather lamely) Goodnight … folks. Have a great evening, won’t you? (after they’ve gone, filled with remorse) Oh, God. (He sits.)

  Almost immediately, Hannah returns.

  Hannah I told the Washbrooks they could go. Phone for you, backstage. Dr Packer. Says it’s urgent.

  Dafydd More problems … more problems …

  Dafydd goes off. Hannah catches Guy’s eye briefly and smiles. Ian intercepts the look. Hannah goes after Dafydd. Ian now also moves to the door.

  Ian Right. After that exhausting night’s work, I feel like some refreshment. (to Guy) You coming?

  Guy I was just going to run my line a couple of times. I’ve got one or two ideas I’d like to try …

  Ian (drily) Well, don’t get stale, will you? Two months to go yet. (He starts to move off.)

  Guy (calling him back) I say … (demonstrating his Crook-Finger’d Jack stance again) Do you think this is too obvious? Crook-Finger’d Jack …

  Ian Can’t be too obvious for Dafydd. Did you see his Sound of Music?

  Guy No.

  Ian He had them all on trampolines.

  Guy Heavens.

  Ian Bloody hills were alive, I can tell you. So were the front stalls. Once they got in their costumes they couldn’t control the bounce, you see. Screaming nuns crashing down on the punters. Three broken legs and one of them concussed on the spot bar. Probably some still up there for all we know …

  Guy (not knowing quite whether to believe this) Yes. I think I’ll try it without the finger to start with …

  Ian By the way …?

  Guy Mm?

  Ian We’d like to invite you round some evening. To our place.

  Guy Oh. That’s very nice. Thank you.

  Ian I don’t know if you’ve got anyone you’d care to bring. I understand you’re not married any more …

  Guy No, my wife was –

  Ian Yes. Well. I dare say you’ve got a friend. Or someone. Eh?

  Guy Yes, I think I could probably find a friend, yes.

  Ian (smiling) Female, of course.

  Guy Oh yes. Of course. Don’t want to spoil your numbers.

  Ian No, no. (Pause. Uncertain whether Guy has got the message) The point is Fay and I, we – well, you’ve probably gathered by now she’s pretty – gregarious.

  Guy Yes.

  Ian And she likes to meet new people. All the time. And frankly, so do I. So it all tends to work out. If you follow me.

  Guy (who doesn’t) Well, that’s splendid. When were you thinking?

  Ian Is Friday OK for you?

  Guy Friday, yes.

  Ian We can have a bit of fun. (He laughs.)

  Guy Splendid.

  Ian Don’t forget your friend, though.

  Guy I won’t.

  Ian (as he leaves) And I’d like to talk to you about your job sometime. I’m very interested in that.

  Ian goes.

  Guy (puzzled) Really?

  Realizing he is alone, he decides to experiment.

  (as Jack) Where shall we find such another set … (He breaks off.) No. (trying again) Where shall we find such another Set of Practical Philosophers who to a Man are above the Fear of Death? Ha! Ha! Ho. (He tries again.)

  Jarvis has entered from backstage, on his way home. He watches him. Guy stops, rather embarrassed as he becomes aware of Jarvis.

  Jarvis Hey! The noo. That’s what I like to see. A man practising his craft. I have a story about that. Will interest you. When I first went into t’firm as an apprentice lad – no matter I were boss’s son I started on t’shop floor – the first day there the foreman says – big fellow he was – sweep that floor spotless, lad. Spotless. I want to eat my dinner off that floor. All right? And I sort of half swept it, you know, like you might. And when he comes back he said, what’s this then, he says? And he bends down and he picks up this handful of sawdust that I’d missed, like. Under the bench. And he says, you’re not expecting me to eat me dinner off this floor then, are you? He says, I’d like to see you try it, my lad, he says. And he tells me, sit down, and he fetches a gummy-bowl and spoon from rack and he makes me eat all that sawdust. Just as it is. Every scrap.

  Guy Heavens.

  Jarvis Nothing on it. Nor milk nor sugar. Raw sawdust. And it’s the same like that every day for three months. No matter I were t’boss’s son. Those lads down in that shop, they taught me the hard way with mouthfuls of sawdust.

  Guy Tough life.

  Jarvis Oh, aye. Mind you, a while later, me Dad had his stroke and I took over t’firm. I went down that shop, first thing I did, and sacked every bloody one of ’em. But I learnt the trade. I were grateful to ’em for that.

  Guy Jolly good.

  Jarvis Keep at it. Practise your gestures. They all had gestures, you know …

  Guy I will, I will.

  Jarvis And another thing. Don’t put on that fancy voice for it. Use your natural accent. That’s what I do. Besides, he could be a Scotty. Couldn’t he? A Scotty.

  Guy True, only …

  Jarvis Stick up for thissen then, lad. Stick up for thissen. People won’t think the less of you for it, you know.

  Guy Yes. Right. Thank you.

  Jarvis goes out. Guy briefly tries his role with a thick Scots accent. More for his own amusement than anything.

  Wherrr shall we find such anotherrr wee Set o’ Practical Phullussupherrs, Jummy. Whoo to a man are above the ferr of dea’ …

  Hannah comes on with two cups of tea. She catches some of his performance.

  Hannah I brought you some tea.

  Guy Oh, thank you.

  Hannah Dafydd’s on the phone. Another crisis, I think.

  Guy Ah, well.

  Hannah You – er – you weren’t thinking of playing him like that, were you? With that funny accent?

  Guy No, no. That was just an – experiment.

  Hannah Oh, good. Only I thought you nearly had it right yesterday. With the limp. The slight one.

  Guy Yes. Maybe I’ll stick to that. I think it’s waiting all this time to rehearse the scene, it makes you – anxious …

  Hannah Yes. He’ll get to you eventually.

  Guy Oh, yes, I’m sure.

  Hannah (more to herself) God knows when, though. (producing her script) I wondered if you’d mind awfully hearing my lines again.

  Guy No. Not at all. (He takes her script.) Where would you …?

  Hannah Just from the top of the page.

  Guy OK.

  Hannah (as Polly) And are you as fond as ever, my Dear?

  Guy (reading, as Macheath) Suspect my Honour, my Courage, suspect any thing but my Love. – May my Pistols miss Fire, and my Mare slip her Shoulder while I am pursu’d, if I ever forsake thee!

  Hannah (as Polly) Nay, my Dear, I have no Reason to doubt you, for I find in the Romance you lent me …

  She hesitates. Guy nods encouragingly.

  … you lent me, none of the great Heroes was ever false in Love.

  She smiles at Guy. Guy smiles at her. Dafydd enters. His head is bowed. Hannah and Guy wrench their attention away from each other. Dafydd solemnly beats his head against a piece of furniture.

  Hannah (to Dafydd) Problems?

  Dafydd One or two. Dr Packer has just phoned to inform me that faced as he is with the alternative of either reorganizing the new hospital rostas entirely or relinquishing the role of Matt of the Mint, he has reluctantly decided on the latter course of action. So there you are. Once again, as my father would put it, we are beaten by the bounce.

  Hannah What are you going to do?

  Dafydd How the hell should I know?

  Hannah (softly, noddin
g in Guy’s direction) Guy …

  Dafydd (sotto) What?

  Hannah Guy.

  Dafydd Guy?

  Hannah Yes.

  Dafydd You think so?

  Hannah Of course.

  Dafydd (turning to Guy, extending a hand) Guy …

  Guy Yes?

  Dafydd I think you are to be cast in the role of saviour. Can you do it? Matt of the Mint?

  Guy Oh.

  Dafydd For me? For us all?

  Guy Well. I’ll have a go.

  Dafydd Thank you. Thank you.

  Hannah Super.

  Dafydd (brightening) Splendid. Well, what do you say? A drink to celebrate?

  Guy Well, why not?

  Dafydd I’ll get them in. I’ll get them in. (moving to the door) But tomorrow, remember, we work …

  Guy Er …

  Dafydd Yes?

  Guy What about Crook-Finger’d Jack?

  Dafydd What about him?

  Guy Only, I’d just learnt him. I wondered if …

  Dafydd Forget Crook-Finger’d Jack, boy. You’re Matt of the Mint. You’re a star now. Nearly.

  Dafydd goes.

  Hannah I’m so thrilled for you. Well done.

  Impetuously, she kisses him. As it turns out, it is a far more serious kiss than either of them intended. Guy eventually releases Hannah. He moves to the door, looking back at her. She looks at him. Finally, he leaves without a further word. As this occurs, the introduction is heard to the next song. The lights come up on Enid, whilst also remaining on Hannah.

  Enid (as Mrs Peachum, sings)

  O, Polly you might have toy’d and kiss’d,

  By keeping Men off you keep them on.

  Hannah (as Polly, sings)

  But he so teaz’d me,

  And he so pleas’d me,

  What I did you must have done.

  Enid and Hannah (together)

  But he so teaz’d thee/me

  And he so pleas’d thee/me

  What you/I did I/you must have done.

  The lights at once crossfade again and we are in Fay’s sitting room. She is dressed to kill. Fay holds two exotic drinks.